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Needless to say, I’ve taken my clonazepam so I can stay calm. 

And while I had decided to not change my airline tickets since I was scheduled to leave after two weeks in Minnesota, I’m now starting to think I need to plan to be more flexible with my packing if I do need to stay a bit extra. 

Goddamn fucking shit. And yes, swearing makes me feel better.

tl;dr/ I just really really really have to rant right now and get this out or I’ll explode.

*warning: I don’t really mean what I’m about to say*

FUCK family. FUCK FUCK FUCK! What is the fucking point of being family if you let this happen to someone you’re so close with?

*Ok, the rest I mean.*

My mom does NOT understand how deep of a depression my aunt’s in, though she says she does, and then calls her lazy for not doing anything. No, mom, you don’t fully understand what Mimi’s been through. She’s lived in that house for the first time in her life for the past year all by herself. She needs help; she doesn’t need you “jumping in her shit” (these are the exact words my mom said). We all have to vent, but I don’t think my mom needs to be drinking alcohol around two alcoholics in the same household and then getting emotional. We need to take the alcohol out of the equation.

I can’t wait to get Mimi to that doctor’s appointment. I’m going to lay it all on the table, including the alcohol usage in that house for ALL THREE of them.

I can’t do shit from here except talk to Mimi and pretend like mom didn’t tell me everything that’s going on, while trying to get Mimi motivated and not feeling attacked and telling my mom to breathe and not yell at her. Being told you don’t do shit and are lazy when you feel as bad as Mimi does isn’t helpful. And mom, don’t scoff when I mention techniques for managing this. I have a lot of experience with this both academically and professionally for years now and you’ve never been to a doctor/therapist/psychiatrist so quit fucking judging what you think she can and can’t do. 

(Basically, my mom said Mimi won’t do a damn thing she asks her to do. I told mom to write out a small and not overwhelming list of things she needs to accomplish tomorrow and give it to her in the morning, that way she physically sees what she needs to do and can feel like she accomplished something when she finishes a task. Mimi is so mentally incapable right now of just doing things for herself that getting mad at her for it doesn’t help and we can’t do anything big until she gets to the doctor.) 

She’s not sleeping downstairs in her own bed; she’s sleeping in the chair or couch upstairs without the couch bed even being pulled out. She can’t even go down the stairs (her bedroom is in the basement) very well because she’s physically in bad shape. I’m sorry, but screaming and jumping in someone’s shit isn’t the way to handle this. We are waaaaay past this point. We’ve got to get her sleeping normal hours again, and back in her own bed for starters.

And where in the hell are my other family members? Why is this mine and my mom’s responsibility? When I get there I’m going to talk to my cousins and ask them to provide support, and more than just in spirit, but stepping up to the plate and physically being there. 

This might not all make sense, but I just needed to rant. Why the fuck am I the only one in this family that is being rational about this situation? 

After watching Nebraska and Dallas Buyers Club, with the latter leaving me feeling emotionally drained, I’m going to head off to the gym on this fine Saturday afternoon and continue watching Buffy. I’m much more satisfied now that I know what’s up with Buffy’s sudden acquisition of a sister. Then I’m raiding the Whole Foods salad bar for dinner, and who knows, I might even play some Lego Hobbit tonight. Watch out for me and my crazy Saturday night plans!