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I took some of my happy pills because anxiety creeped up out of nowhere. In an attempt to further beat it down, I took a wonderful shower, and while getting out of the shower I discovered just how I’m going to explain to any future child of mine how heat/steam rises to the top and that if there’s a fire keep low to the ground.

Anywho, I also used my favorite lotus scented feet stuff from the Body Shop Jacob got me at Christmas. I braided my wet hair to one side, used Biofreeze on my lower back that continues to ache, throughly brushed my teeth, flossed, and used mouthwash, and used my precious Murad supply to pamper my face. Anyone looking for birthday ideas, you could supply me with a gift card to anyplace that sells Murad products. For your convenience, here are a few options: Sephora, Ulta, and Amazon (for which we have prime and there’d be no shipping). ;-) Even should the Murad thing not work out, I can find stuff I love at those stores. Also, Macy’s, Nordstroms, DSW (not sure if you can tell, but I’m prepping for my big girl job opportunity.)

And because of the clonazepam, I’ve drudged on longer than I planned, though I knew a few birdies that might have been curious as to what I might want for my birthday. 

With that, I bid you all a goodnight, and I hope your day tomorrow is spectacular. 


Nice Thoughts Challenge

Katie sent me this challenge, which is perfect timing considering the post I just made talking about my therapy. 

  1. I’m a very considerate person almost to a fault and often put other people’s needs before my own and I think that’s a good quality.
  2. I love my eyes and nose. I may not be happy with the rest of myself, but dammit, I wish I could be an “eyes and nose only” model.
  3. I love to plan things, especially trips and adventures, which is a reminder to myself that I do like to get out in the world and that I’m not a total shut-in introvert (no offense to introverts because I am one, but I mean more of the negative connotations associated with it).
  4. I like my wrists. They’re oddly tiny in proportion to the rest of my body and I can slip on any bracelet or band over my hand without much resistance. 
  5. I like that I’m really good with coupons to save a dollar here or there and finding good deals on something I want to buy and not having to pay full price for it.
  • Mandy:

    Our teams aren't playing each other this year and won't for another four years. =(

  • Jacob:

    ...unless it's in January...

  • Mandy:

    *gasp*...would we have to break up for a Super bowl of Vikings vs. Ravens? Could we survive?

  • Jacob:

    No! *insert laughter* I would never break up with you because the Ravens beat the Vikings in the Super bowl.

  • Mandy:

    .....*side eyes*....

Therapy Update

I had a really active and great day yesterday, but today that same energy eluded me. While I started berating myself at first for having a super high day followed by a huge downfall (something I was labeling as a personal failure), I realized this wasn’t a huge downfall. Sure, I lacked the energy and motivation from the previous day, but more importantly I didn’t feel down, which is a definite improvement. I’m proud of myself for recognizing this. Just because I wasn’t as active today doesn’t mean it was a bad day. I watched some TV, a movie, let the exterminator in, cleaned a little, cooked myself lunch, napped- not terribly thrilling or active, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’ve learned that even doing these small activities can be counted as achievements towards a bigger goal.

In my therapy we’re working on a loose construct of “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.” In a nutshell, it’s learning to change your negative thought patterns to positive ones by learning to recognize triggers for inaccurate negativity (kind of like finding the silver lining at first and then building off of that). Sometimes these negative thoughts can come from media, friends or family, but in many cases, such as mine, they’re mostly coming from my brain and I’ve managed to create my own worst enemy. Instead of focusing on the negative, you learn to refocus on the positive, or simply acknowledge the negative thought, but move on to better ways of perceiving the situation in the future. What I appreciate in this is the fact that it in no way invalidates your previous feelings, and instead you learn from it to give yourself a healthier attitude.

Often, it’s easy to get lost in negative thought patterns when you’ve been drudged down by them for so long they become the norm. For quite some time, years really, I’ve felt like I was drowning in these thoughts and feelings. This therapy is helping me to break down those negative norms my brain has built up (and boy, has it built a solid titanium wall of them). It can be difficult because your brain has to actively relearn and refocus. Thankfully, NMSU had an excellent counseling center and because of the mindfulness class I took from them, I’ve been able to grasp many concepts more quickly and I have a great foundation of experience to build on.

It’s taking a lot of patience and practice, but I’m having a few small victories here and there. It’ll take a long time and I’ll probably always have to practice certain exercises to help myself not revert to old ways of thinking, but I’ll take any progress, including the small difference I recognized in myself today. You may have noticed I’ve actively reblogged more body and mind positive images, which is something I’m striving to reprogram in my brain (and it’s also nice to see as I know many friends who sometimes need a little boost).

Sorry this is so tl;dr, but I’ve been wanting to write about this for some time and seeing this small change in myself today provided me the perfect opportunity. I’ve been seeing my therapist weekly for just over a month now and she’s definitely helpful (and she’s also a super rad chick). In addition to my therapist, I have a psychiatrist who regularly checks in on how I’m doing and how I’m reacting to medications. They’ve upped my dosage of prozac to 60 mg, which is 20 mg higher than I’ve ever previously been on (fyi: 80mg is the maximum dosage allowed). A couple years ago they topped me off at 40 mg, and I’m anxious (in a good way) to see what kind of a difference this will make.

They’re also letting me keep my “happy pills” (clonazepam) for panic attacks, albeit a low quantity of them monthly (apparently Baltimore has a serious problem with people selling these on the streets, but they came to recognize I wasn’t going to be one of “those”- at first they were hesitant to give me even 15). Oh, and I get to keep my trazadone for sleeping, and while it’s not my favorite and won’t be ideal for when I finally enter the full time workforce, it does its job when I need it to.

In somewhat unrelated news, you may have read about my harrowing visit to the blood lab on Monday. I got a call today with the results and was told everything was normal and there was nothing to worry about. I wasn’t expecting bad news or anything, but I thought there might be something (even if it was just anemia), and so I’m relieved. Additionally, I can now fully extend my left arm without it feeling weird or blood spurting out the hole the needle went in (har har).

This was a pretty heavy post, so we’ll now return to more of the likes of Game of Thrones bad lip reading and cats in gifs doing funny things.